Are you scared of marriage? especially with all the marriage issues and cases you see and hear of everyday.
Yes, I’m scared of marriage. In fact, the thought terrifies me. If you’re a thoughtful, sensitive, analytical person, there are lots of questions that will likely run across the screen of your mind. Some of the thoughts that go through my head are: What if we get divorced? What if he cheats on me? What if I don’t love him/her enough or in the “right” way? What if I’m not following God’s will?
What if I’m not always attracted to my partner anymore? What if The marriage becomes boring? The thoughts are endless.
I’ve seen lots of couples(not celebrities) get married and somewhere along the line, something happens and everything falls apart. I see how my neighbours are at loggerheads every other night fighting over one trivial thing or the other. Even the children of some pastors I know have marital problems. All these makes me think “do I really want to get married?”. The fear I have for marriage is so bad that I literally don’t want to go into any relationship so it won’t lead to marriage. Now that the whole marriage (and wedding) thing has been commercialized, it gets worse!
Here are some of the reasons that cause marital fear
You will, at times, have to carry a burden that is not your own. And I worry about how I’ll handle that. Marriage is always about give and take. It’s about balance and sharing the challenges and working together. Sometimes one person is weak and the other person will have to be the one to carry all the strain, and vice versa. I know that when I’m going through something, my future husband will be there to help me carry the load. And I know that when he’s under stress, I will want to do everything I can to help him. I just sometimes worry that my strength will be inadequate.
- I’m already having trouble figuring out my own career, and my own life. And I know that marriage means handling all that, as well as the life of someone else. Not to mention kids, if you’re eventually going to have them. Sometimes I feel so confused and uncertain about who I am and what I’m doing, that I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed. The idea of handling all that while trying to build a new life with someone else is a lot to think about.
- It’s going to be a challenge every single day. I want it so badly to work, and I know that in the really tough moments, I’m going to have to fight through it instead of giving up. I’ll have to admit when I’m wrong, and hold my ground when I truly believe I’m right. I have to find the right balance of being strong and holding my own, while simultaneously putting another person first and doing everything I can to support them. You can read as many books as you want, but there’s no specific answer key for your marriage. Everybody’s is different. I know the only way to learn how to make it work is just to do it.
- I treasure my independence. And I know you can still be independent when you get married. But it’s a very fine and difficult balance to keep, and you have to work at it every day. I think some of the strongest marriages are the ones where both people maintain their independence while still working on a strong partnership, but I worry about how difficult it will be to keep my own life while forming a new one with someone else.
- I’ve seen some really rough marriages. Some from people I’m related to. Some from my friends’ parents. And, of course, the celebrity marriages that are reported on incessantly, that we can’t seem to stop reading about. I’ve seen how a marriage can destroy a person, and take everything out of them. I’ve watched people turn miserable and hopeless. I’ve seen people become shells of themselves. You always think “that won’t be me” but it’s still hard knowing that it’s a possibility and it happens to real people.
- I want my marriage to be the main priority in my life someday, but I don’t want it to be my life. There are so many things I want to be besides a wife, and I know that I’m going to have to work very hard to make sure those things happen. I know that the only way to make a marriage work is to make sure I don’t get distracted by petty things – money and success and my home and my social status and everything all need to take a backseat to my partner. But it’s also important to me to make sure that in addition to being a wife, I’m a lot of other things: a daughter, a sister, maybe a mom, a friend, a coworker, maybe a boss, a role model, and a lot of other things that contribute to my sense of self.
- Getting comfortable with someone can be wonderful, but also very, very scary. They know everything about you. The passion is still there, but it doesn’t feel like this all-consuming, head-over-heels, can-barely-breathe-or-think kind of love. It’s more of a solid, dependable, deep, genuine kind of love. Which I know I want. But still, it’s scary to know that once you get married, you will never experience that falling-in-love-with-someone-new thing ever again. It’s not my story anymore. It’s our story. Which, in many ways, is exactly what I want. But after twenty-something years of telling my story, it’s an intimidating thought to know that someone else is going to be a part of it for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to screw it up. And when it comes to marriage, there is an abundance of ways you can screw it up.
But here’s the deal, I’m not running away from marriage. I’m just scared. I’ve actually spent time researching, studying and preparing for it! I’ve talked to happily married couples about what goes into creating amazing, lasting, passionate, connected love. It’s been an amazing journey. The reason I’ve done all this work and research is to better prepare myself for the love I one day hope to have.
What are your fears?