My husband and I have only been married for 8 months, but we have lived together for almost 5 yrs and have a 3 yr old daughter. The first 4-5 months of our marriage was really good, but then I started feel that he did not love me or find me attractive. When I would try to talk to him about these feelings of unhappiness he could not understand me. I would get frustrated by his lack of understanding and we would just drop the subject.
But two months ago, I became increasingly intolerant. If he made one little mistake, like not be home when he said he would be home, I would blow a fuse! Then I would tell him that we should just get divorced, and that I didn’t know why we got married in the first place. At first, he was not willing to let that happen, so we would talk and things would get better. He would be more affectionate towards me and tell me that he loved me. But that would last for only a few days.
About a week ago, I blew a fuse again and now he has moved out. He is willing to go to counseling to help our marriage, but he will not move back in until I can control my angry outbursts. Is there a method that I can use to help this problem I am having. I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me. We both agree that we need help learning to communicate to one another and I know that I need help with my anger.
When you live with someone, you are responsible for each other, you worry for each other’s safety and there’s always the ‘are you fine?’ thought lingering in between. Once you get married, your husband becomes the centre of your world and you are always ensuring that he is fine and safe. So what happens when your husband starts coming home late on a regular basis? Do you worry and be anxious all the time, do you ignore it, or do what?
No Jumping To Conclusions. Ask.
Firstly, try and understand the reason why he’s late. Is it work? Is it friends? Or something else? No, no, don’t jump to conclusions. The easiest solution – ASK! It is important to have the understanding with your husband where you can openly ask and talk about anything that is making you worried. If there is a concrete reason, try explaining how it may be affecting his health and how it stresses him as well as you out. Again, maybe it’s a certain project at work or a temporary issue, but then you need to talk it out. If it’s about spending too much time with friends or hanging out, you need to tell him that it’s getting too much.
Take Your Eyes Off The Clock
If you already know he’s going to be late, for whatever reason, don’t just sit waiting. Keep yourself occupied with something that will take your mind and eyes off the clock. The more you keep looking at the watch, the more anxious you’ll get. Plan out your time, do some chores or something to pamper yourself. If you know your husband is coming late from work and will probably be tired, try to do something special that helps him de-stress.
In any case, don’t start nagging, accusing and making a huge nasty mess every day. You will only push him away further. Sometimes people are not comfortable talking about something and aimlessly hanging out with friends trying to distract oneself seems the easier way out. It becomes like an escaping mechanism where the person prefers to avoid solving an issue by not talking about it.
Worry Or Work It Out?
Work it out, always! Worry does no good for you, for him or even for the marriage. The more you worry, the more doubts and questions pop up only pushing practical and logical reasoning further away. Your husband might need you to be a listener, be a good one. Be the reason he wants to run back home as soon as possible and not the reason he isn’t coming back.
Like I always say, communication is the key to any and every problem in relationships; especially a relationship as fragile and beautiful as marriage. Life is hectic, let’s not add more drama to it. And when all fails and you find yourself really worried, reaching out for professional help is your best bet.
So does anyone have some experiences to share? It could help others dealing with the same issue understand the problem better and deal with it right.